I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
