If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize