my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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