Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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