Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You took a bar mat shot.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
