I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
