i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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