I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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