I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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