My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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