Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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