Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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