What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
