Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
