I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
