I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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