just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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