my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
