He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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