So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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