i just sent this text using only my big toe
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
