What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
