Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We have so much sex to catch up on
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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