I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
