Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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