I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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