Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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