He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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