We named our party play list daddy issues
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
