I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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