Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
