Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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