how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's never too late to be topless.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
