Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
