I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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