my sisters under your porch take her home
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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