You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
