I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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