I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
