You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I can't put those talents on a resume
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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