On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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