the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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