I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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