I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
