You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
