i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
