don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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