So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize