Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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