Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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