i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
