today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
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