FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
