Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
