i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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