Four minutes until I can fart!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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